Chapter 2: Strangely, The Old Free Dog

We are dreaming. I am dreaming you and you are dreaming me. Its really mind blowing but its true. Don’t believe me?.. see for yourself.

The show with Hot Water Music was a dream and it was a good one. The Bouncing Souls rocked through a good set despite some technical difficulties and lack of rehearsal. We had a great time with everyone. Watching and listening to Hot Water Music was like enjoying the comfortable company of old friends and it was truly great of them to invite all The Souls back on stage to play True Believers as the last song of their set. I grabbed the mike and jumped down into the crowd, which is a way more fun place to be than the stage by the way. Everyone down there seemed to be about as stoked as you can get at a show so it was great to be a part of that. There is nothing like interacting with a few hundred other people on a level that is beyond a normal conversation. In the heat of the musical moment we can sometimes break through our everyday perception. We sometimes land on our feet in a place that feels so much more meaningful, so much more comfortable and natural than how we feel in the isolation of the world. When the music hits, you feel no pain. Bob Marley said the same thing well. The pain is gone and we all peek into that deeper sense of our oneness. We are bringing each other there in a sense. How beautiful is that? Way to go, US!!! We all got together and created a dream that we all wanted to be a part of. Thanks to everyone who was there and everyone who made it possible.


Strangely, I have been writing for hours and I still feel like writing. This doesn’t happen to me.


The words just kept popping in my head. “I have been afraid for most of my life.” I have been. I’m not happy to announce it either. Who likes to admit they are afraid. That’s not cool. That’s not tough. Chicks don’t dig it, man. People don’t admit they are afraid because… they are afraid. Well, I have been one of those people living in a self-made internal universe poking my head out of my shell only when I have to. I have been out in the world just enough to get by. I’ve gotten pretty good at hiding from the world too. I have developed an invisible cloaking system that works pretty well when I want to use it. Sounds pretty lame cuz..it is. If I keep it up I’m really gonna have some regrets and really..I’m fucking tired of regretting anything. Living on the mountain with Shanti has torn it all up and boiled it to the surface kicking and screaming, so to speak. There is really no where to hide up there. So the fearful guy was me and is me and I move on.

There are probably plenty of reasons why this fear had such a terrible grip on me. Some reasons I can guess and a lot that I’m probably not aware of. What I do know is two things: It hasn’t been fun living in fear, and once I started to become aware of it I couldn’t just change it overnight. Life starts to kick you in the ass until you face what you have to face though. It might be something else for you but for me it has been a strong tendency to just re-treat into my own internal world. I think its true for a lot of us though.

Luckily, I have engaged myself enough in this world to do reasonably well as the singer of the Bouncing Souls and do reasonably well as the husband of a beautiful and loving soul, Shanti. Fortunately for me she has had the love, strength, and patience to see past those pain in the ass, stuck in the mud, personality traits. I have not been easy to live with at times. It has been very hard for me to see that Shanti and I are one, not rwo different people. I mean we are very different in some ways but the oneness if us never changes. We are totally ONE, because we all are ONE. There were some tough times and because of Shanti’s persistence in what she knows to be true, that we are one, she didn’t give up on me. You cannot live in ONEness just sometimes. Shutting down is not an option and although I know this, breaking those old habits has not been easy. Through it all I’m glad I never gave up on us or myself. That’s one of the reasons Shanti loves me I think. We have had a lot of rough moments but overall I have always been there for her in my own way and WE have always been there for each other. Through it all our love has grown very deep and real. Everyday my appreciation for Shanti and our relationship grows greater and it makes me wonder about other peoples relationships and what levels they exist on. Each person in the relationship has to make a true commitment to themselves to make it work. I really thought I had made that commitment for a while but I just was not fully aware of the full extent of my mental habits. How we perceive our world and interact with it can be so hard to break from and re-arrange. So many times Shanti was there to be the mirror for me and for that I can’t even begin to describe what it means to me. She saved me in so many ways. I Love You.

I don’t know what I’m getting at here. I don’t know why I even feel the desire to pour out my innermost personal thoughts to this page. I have been resisting this kind of bare it all communication my whole life. I always made something else more important. I always managed to talk myself out of it but I realize it’s the most important thing I can do..and I just can’t keep it saved on a laptop for a later date…because TODay IS the LaAAAST DAY OF MY LIIFE!!!!! So the title goes.

The part of me that has held ME back in life is really what I’m trying to beat here. That holding on has been my monster to slay in a daily sword battle. True honest expression is the carrot I have been chasing and running away from at the same time. Sounds nutty cuz it is. It’s been really hard for me for some unknown reasons as I said before. And now that I’m doing it I want to do it completely. I’m sick of feeling like I could have said something more or something better. Do you know what I mean?

We are dreaming and we are communicating our dream experiences to each other so what’s really real? What I experience on the outside world becomes something else when you read about my story of it. But I am laying it out there as best I can. It might not be anything new but its coming from me so that’s the only reason I’m doing it..Because it makes me feel like I’m really alive. I’m living for something. I’m not just phoning it in. I tried that and it sucks.

Maybe I’m a late bloomer or maybe I’m just an old dog. You know,like the old saying: “You can’t teach and old dog new tricks.” I’m that old dog. Another thing I don’t like to admit but its true. I’m not a dead dog just an old dog.

What do I have to lose? My Fortune? My Fame? They don’t amount to a whole lot. What I don’t want to lose is the accessibility to my self that has been blocked by that nasty fear monster that would grip me around the neck and leave me speechless. I could blame it on “The Man.”
“Yeah..Society did this to me, man.”
“That’s Bullshit, Man. You’re just a white suburban punk like the rest of us.”
“But it Huuurts..”

Did you ever see Repo Man? That’s a quote from Repo Man. I don’t know if that’s it exactly but it’s the scene where the punk guy gets shot while robbing the convenience store. Let’s go to youtube again shall we? Yes! This movie is classic:

http://ca.youtube.com/watch?v=554AX4l1tmw

The guy who is always burning stuff in the trashcan is definitely my favorite character but the whole movie is amazing. Part of me is trying to rob that convenience store and get away with it…. Just part of me..but there is no shortcut. I know that I can’t blame it on “The Man” (even though he does suck wherever he is) I know this, but living it is something else.

There is another part of me that sees the struggle we all go through trying to be free of the crazy baggage we carry around on our own various levels. In that awareness I see that I cannot be free unless I see all of myself as free. Including you. Free is a vague word here. Free meaning: Not tied down to mental or physical habits and dependencies or the world in any way. Free meaning: Living in the awareness that we are one with endless potential energy that keeps experiencing and re-experiencing on and on without constraints like, fear. Let’s get an official definiton:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Freedom_(philosophy)

and:

1. enjoying personal rights or liberty, as a person who is not in slavery: a land of free people.
2. pertaining to or reserved for those who enjoy personal liberty: They were thankful to be living on free soil.
3. existing under, characterized by, or possessing civil and political liberties that are, as a rule, constitutionally guaranteed by representative government: the free nations of the world.
4. enjoying political autonomy, as a people or country not under foreign rule; independent.
5. exempt from external authority, interference, restriction, etc., as a person or one's will, thought, choice, action, etc.; independent; unrestricted.
6. able to do something at will; at liberty: free to choose.
7. clear of obstructions or obstacles, as a road or corridor: The highway is now free of fallen rock.
8. not occupied or in use: I'll try to phone her again if the line is free.
9. exempt or released from something specified that controls, restrains, burdens, etc. (usually fol. by from or of): free from worry; free of taxes.
10. having immunity or being safe (usually fol. by from): free from danger.
11. provided without, or not subject to, a charge or payment: free parking; a free sample.
12. given without consideration of a return or reward: a free offer of legal advice.
13. unimpeded, as motion or movement; easy, firm, or swift.
14. not held fast; loose; unattached: to get one's arm free.
15. not joined to or in contact with something else: The free end of the cantilever sagged.
16. acting without self-restraint or reserve: to be too free with one's tongue.
17. ready or generous in giving; liberal; lavish: to be free with one's advice.
18. given readily or in profusion; unstinted.
19. frank and open; unconstrained, unceremonious, or familiar.
20. unrestrained by decency; loose or licentious: free behavior.
21. not subject to special regulations, restrictions, duties, etc.: The ship was given free passage.
22. of, pertaining to, or characterized by free enterprise: a free economy.
23. that may be used by or is open to all: a free market.
24. engaged in by all present; general: a free fight.
25. not literal, as a translation, adaptation, or the like; loose.
26. uncombined chemically: free oxygen.
27. traveling without power; under no force except that of gravity or inertia: free flight.
28. Phonetics. (of a vowel) situated in an open syllable (opposed to checked).
29. at liberty to enter and enjoy at will (usually fol. by of): to be free of a friend's house.
30. not subject to rules, set forms, etc.: The young students had an hour of free play between classes.
31. easily worked, as stone, land, etc.
32. Mathematics. (of a vector) having specified magnitude and direction but no specified initial point. Compare bound1 (def. 9).
33. Also, large. Nautical. (of a wind) nearly on the quarter, so that a sailing vessel may sail free.
34. not containing a specified substance (often used in combination): a sugar-free soft drink.
35. (of a linguistic form) occurring as an independent construction, without necessary combination with other forms, as most words. Compare bound1 (def. 11).
36. without cost, payment, or charge.–adverb
37. in a free manner; freely.
38. Nautical. away from the wind, so that a sailing vessel need not be close-hauled: running free. –verb (used with object)
39. to make free; set at liberty; release from bondage, imprisonment, or restraint.
40. to exempt or deliver (usually fol. by from).
41. to relieve or rid (usually fol. by of): to free
one self of responsibility.
42. to disengage; clear (usually fol. by from or of).—Verb phrase
43. free up,
a. to release, as from restrictions: Congress voted to free up funds for the new highway system.
b. to disentangle: It took an hour to free up the traffic jam.
—Idioms
44. for free, Informal. without charge: The tailor mended my jacket for free.
45. free and clear, Law. without any encumbrance, as a lien or mortgage: They owned their house free and clear.
46.free and easy,
a. unrestrained; casual; informal.
b. excessively or inappropriately casual; presumptuous.
47. make free with,
a. to use as one's own; help oneself to: If you make free with their liquor, you won't be invited again.
b. to treat with too much familiarity; take liberties with.
48. set free, to release; liberate; free: The prisoners were set free.
49. with a free hand, generously; freely; openhandedly: He entertains visitors with a free hand.


99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999

I just had to do that. It doesn’t say anything about being free in your mind here. Oh, I think they cover more of that in the philosophy definition. What about:

Free: The only place you can really be free is in your mind and only you can experience that for yourself.

We could probably improve on that but I’m happy with it for now.

“Stay Free”

A quote from Pete Vententonio, AKA Jack Terricloth
…from a Sticks and Stones song.

Love ya tomorrow if today isn’t my last day on Earth….

Greg