Chapter 4: The Resistor vs. Jeff Spicoli

Tonight I understand why the world is crazy..It just feels crazy I mean..When you strip everything out of yourself and decide to see the experience as it is and not fog it with anything…you can just feel the craziness, I am really surprised I didn’t totally destroy myself at some point.. I think if I hadn’t developed that intense shut-off mechanism in my childhood I never would have made it through my twenties. I’m really really feeling for all the sensitive people in the world right now. So much of what we feel inside is not coming from us..it not an excuse to blame the world. We can’t rob the convenience store and use the, “I blame society,” excuse, but damn I want to be on the mountain right now. Well, part of me does and the real me wants to be sticking it out right here. Whatever that means I mean sometimes when the day ends and I’m all alone I just don’t want to be here in the world. If I’m not with Shanti I just don’t want to be here. I don’t always feel this way but sometimes I do. Right now I do. I don’t care about anything else and I’m gonna be an asshole if I go interact with the world.

I bought an amazing book at the Powell bookstore in Portland. Its called “This is Your Brain on Music” by Daniel Levitin. He has experimented with the science of music. Why does it make us feel the way it does? Why do some songs connect with so many of us so deeply? Its really interesting but I can’t read it right now. My brain is to tired or nutty to read or write but I’m not able to sleep. Wah Wah wah. This is boring shit..I’m done for tonight.

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This is a dream I want to be in. Right now is not a place that is distant or wrong or uncomfortable or lonely or anything else but perfectly where I want to be. As you can see from that last section of writing I was getting sucked down a bad road. Let’s just leave it all there as it is and use it for an example. Just like in “Fast Times At Ridgemont High” when Mr. Hand writes that quote on the board that makes Jeff Spicoli famous. “I Don’t KnoW. I Don’t know. I’m going to leave that on the board all day long for all of my classes to enjoy, giving you full credit of course, Mr. Spicoli.” Says Mr. Hand.

“Well, Alright.” Answers, Spicoli.

http://ca.youtube.com/watch?v=mqnLC9Wl1k4

So let’s leave it up there for everyone to see giving me full credit of course. It’s a perfect example of what we don’t want to do. Lets break it down shall, we. I begin by saying the world is crazy and part of me is separate and clear and not part of the craziness. I’m somebody else in some other universe experiencing the “craziness” of the world. I just disconnected myself from it all and started to create another little isolated world inside my head. I go on to list other things I would rather be doing or other places I would rather be so I am shutting myself off from what is. The Resistor Strikes. I even go so far as to decide to be an asshole. That’s pretty funny. That’s good comedy right there. “I’m gonna be an asshole.” Then I made an attempt to find something to divert myself. A classic combination. I have decided I’m unhappy for whatever reason and then decided something outside of me is going to make me feel better or happier. The book I’m reading really is great but in this case I’m using it to escape. That’s why I couldn’t really enjoy reading it.

It’s six oclock in the morning now and I’m up. I’m going to see if there are any waves. See you in a bit.

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The waves are small but the sky is pink and the birds are singing. The boardwalk is slick, dark and wet from a rainy night and the early joggers are beginning to make their way down the beach. Cool and breezy is the morning.

Later Skaters